10/12/10
The HEA conference has come to a close and I'm an emotional mess! I feel like I've been sucker punched because I never saw this coming...
I'm lost. I've put SO much of myself into preparing for the conference and trying to make it as beneficial as possible for those who attend. Now that it's over, I feel a void. Now what? This conference has been a labor of love for me and, honestly, I feel a little lost without my tasks. :)
I'm sad. It's kind of like the let down after Christmas, only stronger. Like having the most joyful holiday with all your favorite family members and giving/receiving the most powerful/healing type of love. Something that brought me so much happiness has come to an end.
I'm scared. Powerful events like this always have a potential to result in some form of change. I don't yet know what this will mean for me. Personally, I'm in a very vulnerable state; I know this. Not yet realizing the full impact of this event is scary for me. I like to be in control of my life and my emotions; right now, there are some areas that I've lost that control and I'm anxious about where I'll go from here.
I'm grateful. The team of people working with me to put this conference on for the HEA members was absolutely AMAZING! Together, we were able to provide an extremely valuable experience for our members, professionals, and ourselves. This could not have been possible without the contributions from my team and the most wonderful professionals I know! I am forever grateful to you all - or, should I say "y'all!"
I'm thankful. Having hypospadias is not something I would have chosen for myself. However, making the choice to move forward and out of some pretty negative places has been SO much easier with the support of my HEA family! My "brothers" are very caring, understanding, empathetic, compassionate, supportive... I am thankful for them! I'm especially thankful for having such a great roommate over the course of the conference. Having administrative tasks throughout the day meant that I couldn't focus 100% on the material. The time spent talking 1:1 with my roommate was extremely healing! Thanks Greg!
I'm proud. This conference turned out extremely well. I've heard from several people that it was the best HEA conference ever! I'm proud that I was able to successfully lead my team in executing the organization's vision. Not to mention the flexibility I needed to demonstrate as things came up along the way...
I'm overwhelmed. The healing impact that I could see from others as they experienced the conference was extremely powerful! People finally getting the answers, acceptance, and support that they've been searching for - it's truly a blessed experience! To hear someone disclose that the conference was the final step before suicide and now feeling that life is worth living - I can't put that feeling into words! And that's just one of the experiences from this event!
I'm motivated. Seeing the positive impact that HEA and myself can have on other people - witnessing it first hand - is very moving! I'm going to do what I can to bring this group to the next level. I'm a man with a plan; I just need to frame it out and execute it.
I'm hopeful. After this conference, I feel more accepted, supported, and loved. I even think I feel more self-acceptance, self-appreciation, and self-worth! My hope is that I continue to build upon that and keep continuing my journey.
I'm annoyed. Because, right now, I need to sign off, pack up, and head out. LOL
So long, San Antonio! Thanks for being such a great host for such a powerful event! And many thanks to those who attended - YOU made this conference what it was! I appreciate that!
Ed
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Entry 14
10/3/10
Happiness is a deceptive and elusive beast!
I've been an emotional mess and in a state of crisis since last week. My demon struck hard, swift, and deep!
Maybe I should have seen this coming? I don't know... Since I started striking back at my demon about 4 years ago, I've been on a path of recovery, healing, and self-acceptance. I am very well aware of the fact that this is a journey and not a destination.
I'm realizing now that I've been taking A LOT of actions over the past 6 months or so that have blown the door wide open and exposing my true self - my weight loss, planning the HEA conference, researching hypospadias and working on my book, my recent hopes of having my hypospadias repair, etc. Until now, I hadn't realized the emotional impact that these were taking. My demon is very sly and had been actively keeping them from my consciousness! Intense feelings have been building over this period of time and now I'm hemorrhaging with emotions! I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained! Not to mention -extremely vulnerable now! I'm scared! As a hypospadian, I've always been very much in control of myself and my emotions. I feel I've lost that control...
I started therapy on Friday. I did some research and found someone who specializes in male sexual trauma and issues. I know that my current state is the result of my own life experiences, actions, and choices; no one else is responsible for it. But, I am starting to realize that I have always felt so bad about myself that I NEVER felt that I truly deserved to be happy. The closest I could ever get was to focus on making other people happy; this, in turn, would give me some happiness. Living vicariously through others. What a harsh and powerful realization! That I never felt that I was WORTH happiness! Wow...
But, that is changing now. My "work" has allowed me to be a little more accepting...forgiving...and loving of myself. Maybe I AM worth something? Maybe I DO deserve to be happy? But, what does this mean? That's the current question...
What I can say is this - I just made a new commitment to myself! Whereever this crisis takes me, I am going to be honest and true to myself! It's a new (and uncomfortable) belief for me, but I DO deserve to be happy!
Happiness is a deceptive and elusive beast!
I've been an emotional mess and in a state of crisis since last week. My demon struck hard, swift, and deep!
Maybe I should have seen this coming? I don't know... Since I started striking back at my demon about 4 years ago, I've been on a path of recovery, healing, and self-acceptance. I am very well aware of the fact that this is a journey and not a destination.
I'm realizing now that I've been taking A LOT of actions over the past 6 months or so that have blown the door wide open and exposing my true self - my weight loss, planning the HEA conference, researching hypospadias and working on my book, my recent hopes of having my hypospadias repair, etc. Until now, I hadn't realized the emotional impact that these were taking. My demon is very sly and had been actively keeping them from my consciousness! Intense feelings have been building over this period of time and now I'm hemorrhaging with emotions! I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained! Not to mention -extremely vulnerable now! I'm scared! As a hypospadian, I've always been very much in control of myself and my emotions. I feel I've lost that control...
I started therapy on Friday. I did some research and found someone who specializes in male sexual trauma and issues. I know that my current state is the result of my own life experiences, actions, and choices; no one else is responsible for it. But, I am starting to realize that I have always felt so bad about myself that I NEVER felt that I truly deserved to be happy. The closest I could ever get was to focus on making other people happy; this, in turn, would give me some happiness. Living vicariously through others. What a harsh and powerful realization! That I never felt that I was WORTH happiness! Wow...
But, that is changing now. My "work" has allowed me to be a little more accepting...forgiving...and loving of myself. Maybe I AM worth something? Maybe I DO deserve to be happy? But, what does this mean? That's the current question...
What I can say is this - I just made a new commitment to myself! Whereever this crisis takes me, I am going to be honest and true to myself! It's a new (and uncomfortable) belief for me, but I DO deserve to be happy!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Entry 13
9/28/10
Good evening, World!
Time has flown! I can't believe it's been 11 days since my last post. I've missed my blog...
Recovery had it's ups and downs. I swear, getting around the house with the catheter for 5 days was like having a ball and chain! I realize that thing has it's purpose but it's WICKED uncomfortable! The recliner was my best friend during that time...
The first few days went like clockwork. Some discomfort - that's to be expected. But, no pain. Everything was progressing as it should...until Sunday...
Those all-too-familiar sensations started kicking in - burning...urgency... Yep, my urine's dark. Oh crap! I know my body and realize that I am coming down with some kind of infection. Why didn't they send me home on anti-biotics??? God knows what foreign objects they had inside me... I start to get annoyed that the doctor didn't talk to ME after the procedure. Hind-sight. I convince myself that Monday is only a few hours away; I will contact the doctor's office in the morning. It was a pretty uncomfortable night but I popped some tylenol and managed.
I called the doctor's office first thing Monday morning and advised them on what was happening; my follow up appointment wasn't scheduled until Tuesday but I advised that I would be more than happy to come into the office today to get checked out so we could tackle this infection before it got too bad. I left the message and waited for the call back. When the nurse called me back, she asked if there were any blood clots in my bag or if I had any issues with drainage. At that point, the answers were "no" and "no." She advised that there was no need to be seen that day; all I needed to do was increase my water intake. Ok...you're the professional... Like a good patient, I do as I'm told.
Yep...Murphy's Law...
As Monday unfolds, my output got darker, I started passing small clots, and started having difficulty draining into my collection bag. UGH! Sometimes, I really hate being right! At that point, I just needed to sit tight and wait for Tuesday. Tylenol PM helped make my last night sleeping in the recliner manageable. I started the day with a bariatric follow-up appointment; my uro follow-up isn't scheduled until 1 pm. I was happy to get a great report on my bariatric progress - down 91 lbs! Following that appointment, I decided to call the uro and twist some arms so I could be seen earlier and start some anti-biotics ASAP. They agree to see me right away and start the check up but advised that the doctor would not be seeing me until 1 pm.
Thankfully, I didn't need to wait long once I arrived. A very nice (but young and inexperienced) aid settled me into an exam room. The poor kid didn't know what to make of me as I started rattling off my symptoms, suspicions of an infection, multiple requests for a urinalysis, and demands for anti-biotics. All he could say was that he would advise the uro nurse and that I should revisit my concerns when they come to see me. He did an ultrasound of my bladder and determined that I hadn't been retaining any urine as it appeared pretty much empty. The nurse was obviously pulled in several different directions that morning as she was triaging patients. At one point, I could hear my aid discussing me through the door; I could tell she wasn't happy and that she and I had two TOTALLY different views regarding the urgency of my care. I had a few choice words for her that I shared with myself silently. My suspicions were confirmed when she entered the room. In short, she asked a few questions, removed the catheter - thank God - and then flushed out my bladder. Her take on all this was that: 1) I wasn't drinking enough water, and 2) I need to urinate more frequently. Although I just emptied my bladder, I still felt the need to go again. She said that was normal and that this sensation would go away. Then, she sent me to lunch until my 1 pm appointment with my doctor.
After a couple trips to the restroom during lunch, I actually did start to feel a little better. Maybe the nurse was right???
I had an interesting visit with my doctor at 1 pm. I took the opportunity to discuss my case in more detail than he liked. It was apparent that the appointment was taken longer than he wanted. I didn't care. This man saw my urethra inside and out. I wanted answers. He reviewed my surgical history and overviewed the procedure that was just done. He informed me that he was able to remove a mass approximately the size of a finger from my penis; he was able to work it out through a fistula and did not require surgical intervention. This mass was calcified hair from the hair-bearing skin used in my urethraplasty years ago. Sadly, he advised that I would likely get this again at some point in the future. During the appointment, I gained a better understanding of my urethra and fistulas - apparently, I have several. He advised that any surgical treatment for me was beyond his expertise and the expertise of other local uro surgeons. Centers of excellence would be my best bet; he recommended a doctor out of Boston who is about to retire. A productive conversation with my doc. Though, I did make sure that he gave me a script for anti-biotics before we wrapped up - just in case...
It was nice to be able to walk and drive without having the catheter! The rest of that day and the next went like clockwork! No pain or discomfort. Clear output. I felt great, so I held off filling the script. Life was good. Until...
Thursday morning. The dark urine, discomfort, frequency, and urgency were back! And, before noon, I was passing blood clots the size of dimes! No man should ever have to pass anything like that! The sensation of it all was enough to make me want to vomit! I had several boughts of this before I broke down and asked my wife to fill the script. It was time for the Cipro!!! By that night, I was already starting to feel better. Thank God! That was the most nauseating sensation that I have had in a VERY long time!
Things continued to progress well for there on out! The recovery time allowed me a chance to rest up and begin to contemplate my nexts steps regarding my hypospadias. I was SO ready for a fistula repair. I was mentally prepared for it. My belief is that I will start doing some research on national centers for excellence for reconstructive urology. Maybe next year will be the year that this dream of mine comes true? Who knows? I do know one thing - I've had enough procedures for this year!
The moral of the story: know your body and advocate for yourself; they may be the medical professionals but this is YOUR body!
Good evening, World!
Time has flown! I can't believe it's been 11 days since my last post. I've missed my blog...
Recovery had it's ups and downs. I swear, getting around the house with the catheter for 5 days was like having a ball and chain! I realize that thing has it's purpose but it's WICKED uncomfortable! The recliner was my best friend during that time...
The first few days went like clockwork. Some discomfort - that's to be expected. But, no pain. Everything was progressing as it should...until Sunday...
Those all-too-familiar sensations started kicking in - burning...urgency... Yep, my urine's dark. Oh crap! I know my body and realize that I am coming down with some kind of infection. Why didn't they send me home on anti-biotics??? God knows what foreign objects they had inside me... I start to get annoyed that the doctor didn't talk to ME after the procedure. Hind-sight. I convince myself that Monday is only a few hours away; I will contact the doctor's office in the morning. It was a pretty uncomfortable night but I popped some tylenol and managed.
I called the doctor's office first thing Monday morning and advised them on what was happening; my follow up appointment wasn't scheduled until Tuesday but I advised that I would be more than happy to come into the office today to get checked out so we could tackle this infection before it got too bad. I left the message and waited for the call back. When the nurse called me back, she asked if there were any blood clots in my bag or if I had any issues with drainage. At that point, the answers were "no" and "no." She advised that there was no need to be seen that day; all I needed to do was increase my water intake. Ok...you're the professional... Like a good patient, I do as I'm told.
Yep...Murphy's Law...
As Monday unfolds, my output got darker, I started passing small clots, and started having difficulty draining into my collection bag. UGH! Sometimes, I really hate being right! At that point, I just needed to sit tight and wait for Tuesday. Tylenol PM helped make my last night sleeping in the recliner manageable. I started the day with a bariatric follow-up appointment; my uro follow-up isn't scheduled until 1 pm. I was happy to get a great report on my bariatric progress - down 91 lbs! Following that appointment, I decided to call the uro and twist some arms so I could be seen earlier and start some anti-biotics ASAP. They agree to see me right away and start the check up but advised that the doctor would not be seeing me until 1 pm.
Thankfully, I didn't need to wait long once I arrived. A very nice (but young and inexperienced) aid settled me into an exam room. The poor kid didn't know what to make of me as I started rattling off my symptoms, suspicions of an infection, multiple requests for a urinalysis, and demands for anti-biotics. All he could say was that he would advise the uro nurse and that I should revisit my concerns when they come to see me. He did an ultrasound of my bladder and determined that I hadn't been retaining any urine as it appeared pretty much empty. The nurse was obviously pulled in several different directions that morning as she was triaging patients. At one point, I could hear my aid discussing me through the door; I could tell she wasn't happy and that she and I had two TOTALLY different views regarding the urgency of my care. I had a few choice words for her that I shared with myself silently. My suspicions were confirmed when she entered the room. In short, she asked a few questions, removed the catheter - thank God - and then flushed out my bladder. Her take on all this was that: 1) I wasn't drinking enough water, and 2) I need to urinate more frequently. Although I just emptied my bladder, I still felt the need to go again. She said that was normal and that this sensation would go away. Then, she sent me to lunch until my 1 pm appointment with my doctor.
After a couple trips to the restroom during lunch, I actually did start to feel a little better. Maybe the nurse was right???
I had an interesting visit with my doctor at 1 pm. I took the opportunity to discuss my case in more detail than he liked. It was apparent that the appointment was taken longer than he wanted. I didn't care. This man saw my urethra inside and out. I wanted answers. He reviewed my surgical history and overviewed the procedure that was just done. He informed me that he was able to remove a mass approximately the size of a finger from my penis; he was able to work it out through a fistula and did not require surgical intervention. This mass was calcified hair from the hair-bearing skin used in my urethraplasty years ago. Sadly, he advised that I would likely get this again at some point in the future. During the appointment, I gained a better understanding of my urethra and fistulas - apparently, I have several. He advised that any surgical treatment for me was beyond his expertise and the expertise of other local uro surgeons. Centers of excellence would be my best bet; he recommended a doctor out of Boston who is about to retire. A productive conversation with my doc. Though, I did make sure that he gave me a script for anti-biotics before we wrapped up - just in case...
It was nice to be able to walk and drive without having the catheter! The rest of that day and the next went like clockwork! No pain or discomfort. Clear output. I felt great, so I held off filling the script. Life was good. Until...
Thursday morning. The dark urine, discomfort, frequency, and urgency were back! And, before noon, I was passing blood clots the size of dimes! No man should ever have to pass anything like that! The sensation of it all was enough to make me want to vomit! I had several boughts of this before I broke down and asked my wife to fill the script. It was time for the Cipro!!! By that night, I was already starting to feel better. Thank God! That was the most nauseating sensation that I have had in a VERY long time!
Things continued to progress well for there on out! The recovery time allowed me a chance to rest up and begin to contemplate my nexts steps regarding my hypospadias. I was SO ready for a fistula repair. I was mentally prepared for it. My belief is that I will start doing some research on national centers for excellence for reconstructive urology. Maybe next year will be the year that this dream of mine comes true? Who knows? I do know one thing - I've had enough procedures for this year!
The moral of the story: know your body and advocate for yourself; they may be the medical professionals but this is YOUR body!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Entry 12
9/17/10
Well...I've got good news and bad news...
The good news is that everything went well yesterday. We had to wait longer than expected but that was alright, I guess - doctors don't work 9-5. The pre-op stuff wasn't so bad. The nurses and doctors were great! And, there were only 2 attempts for the IV. I approached this procedure with peace, determination, and a lot of hope. I was in and out of the OR in about 1 1/2 hours. When I came out of the anesthesia, my nurse advised me that everything went well and that I would be going home that night. I asked her what was done in the OR. She advised me that cystoscopy, retrograde urethragram, and removal of the mass was performed. No fistula repair???
No. What??? My heart sank! I wanted to cry! I prepared myself, physically, mentally, and emotionally for a fistula repair (and a new life without one) - only to be disappointed! I was crushed... And, I got a fat lip from the anesthesia tube! lol
I had all kinds of questions but the recovery nurse could not answer all of them; she could only go by what was in my chart. I was frustrated...but it wasn't her fault. She informed me that I could call the office tomorrow to ask any questions that she could not answer; I was also advised that I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor on Tuesday and that my catheter would have to stay in until then.
My wife and Dad were at the hospital with me; I am very grateful for their love and support! I'm sure that the waiting game was very emotionally taxing for each of them. When they arrived in the recovery room, my wife informed me that the doctor had talked with them and filled them in. He showed them photos from the tests and of the mass. Apparently, this mass was impacted hair that was growing in the skin and became infected; this is the result of hair bearing skin being used to create my artificial urethra when I was a child. The doctor commented that the mass was about the size of a finger and that he was surprised that I had been able to urinate at all. He also advised them that a fistula repair for me was beyond his expertise, so he did not attempt it; there are hospitals in MA and VA that specialize in adult reconstruction and that might be an option for me.
So, I returned home last night. And, it's me and my "little friend" (the catheter) until Tuesday. "Say hhhello to my li'l friend." I can't seem to get that line out of my head. lol Oh...and my fat lip - can't forget that! Yes, my humor defense mechanism is kicking in to counter my disappointment. It's a good tool to have.
I am busy finding the silver lining in all of this. I am not one to stay down for long. The mass was not a tumor or cancerous - that is a HUGE plus! And, I am still better off now than I was before the procedure. Maybe this procedure was just another step along the path toward my fistula repair? Maybe it isn't? Disappointed? Yes! However, I am reminding myself that there are others out there who have it worse off than me.
So, today, I am busy reconciling my emotions, getting my head on straight, and enjoying some coffee...I missed it yesterday!
Well...I've got good news and bad news...
The good news is that everything went well yesterday. We had to wait longer than expected but that was alright, I guess - doctors don't work 9-5. The pre-op stuff wasn't so bad. The nurses and doctors were great! And, there were only 2 attempts for the IV. I approached this procedure with peace, determination, and a lot of hope. I was in and out of the OR in about 1 1/2 hours. When I came out of the anesthesia, my nurse advised me that everything went well and that I would be going home that night. I asked her what was done in the OR. She advised me that cystoscopy, retrograde urethragram, and removal of the mass was performed. No fistula repair???
No. What??? My heart sank! I wanted to cry! I prepared myself, physically, mentally, and emotionally for a fistula repair (and a new life without one) - only to be disappointed! I was crushed... And, I got a fat lip from the anesthesia tube! lol
I had all kinds of questions but the recovery nurse could not answer all of them; she could only go by what was in my chart. I was frustrated...but it wasn't her fault. She informed me that I could call the office tomorrow to ask any questions that she could not answer; I was also advised that I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor on Tuesday and that my catheter would have to stay in until then.
My wife and Dad were at the hospital with me; I am very grateful for their love and support! I'm sure that the waiting game was very emotionally taxing for each of them. When they arrived in the recovery room, my wife informed me that the doctor had talked with them and filled them in. He showed them photos from the tests and of the mass. Apparently, this mass was impacted hair that was growing in the skin and became infected; this is the result of hair bearing skin being used to create my artificial urethra when I was a child. The doctor commented that the mass was about the size of a finger and that he was surprised that I had been able to urinate at all. He also advised them that a fistula repair for me was beyond his expertise, so he did not attempt it; there are hospitals in MA and VA that specialize in adult reconstruction and that might be an option for me.
So, I returned home last night. And, it's me and my "little friend" (the catheter) until Tuesday. "Say hhhello to my li'l friend." I can't seem to get that line out of my head. lol Oh...and my fat lip - can't forget that! Yes, my humor defense mechanism is kicking in to counter my disappointment. It's a good tool to have.
I am busy finding the silver lining in all of this. I am not one to stay down for long. The mass was not a tumor or cancerous - that is a HUGE plus! And, I am still better off now than I was before the procedure. Maybe this procedure was just another step along the path toward my fistula repair? Maybe it isn't? Disappointed? Yes! However, I am reminding myself that there are others out there who have it worse off than me.
So, today, I am busy reconciling my emotions, getting my head on straight, and enjoying some coffee...I missed it yesterday!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Entry 11
9/16/10
Well...today is the day! I go under the knife at 3:10 this afternoon!
I'm sitting here on a cool, pre-fall morning contemplating what lies before me today. The sunrise is absolutely beautiful! Shades of pink and orange are lighting up the morning sky. A cup of coffee would be perfect; but, I'm on the pre-surgical - "nothing by mouth" - diet today. NO COFFEE FOR YOU!!! (for any Seinfeld fans out there) lol
Several things have happened since my last entry. I've continued to find ways to keep myself busy so I wouldn't have too much time to stress out. "Down time?" What's that? But, most importantly, was the text I received around 6:00 on Monday morning; Dion passed away! Shock and sadness came over me. The world lost a good man! Again, the significance of my procedure was put in perspective for me. There is always someone worse off than you; when you really stop to think about it, this is true...
My hypospadias has had a number of negative impacts on my life - my weight issues, trust issues, and insecurities to name a few. BUT, it also has given me something extremely positive - intestinal fortitude! Throughout my life, I have had to focus, dig deep, and find the determination necessary to overcome my "hypo hurdles." It was time to call upon my strength again. Earlier this week, the brutality of the procedure was sinking in - my penis was going to be cut open! It didn't take long, however, for me to find my resolve. I am determined and going to meet this head on! I know that this is what I need to do and nothing is going to get in my way...
I am ready! I can look past the surgical act, pain, and anxiety to see the end result! I can do this! This fistula has haunted me all my life! It may sound silly to some, but the thought of only having one hole brings me to tears. I am so close to attaining one of my dreams! A little pain and the temporary inconvenience will be worth the result! I am staying positive...
Thanks to everyone who has offered their encouragement and support to me as I've prepared for this procedure. It has meant more to me than I can say. Your thoughts and prayers have helped me to be strong.
I am signing off for now and will do my best to let you know how I'm doing within the next day or so...
Well...today is the day! I go under the knife at 3:10 this afternoon!
I'm sitting here on a cool, pre-fall morning contemplating what lies before me today. The sunrise is absolutely beautiful! Shades of pink and orange are lighting up the morning sky. A cup of coffee would be perfect; but, I'm on the pre-surgical - "nothing by mouth" - diet today. NO COFFEE FOR YOU!!! (for any Seinfeld fans out there) lol
Several things have happened since my last entry. I've continued to find ways to keep myself busy so I wouldn't have too much time to stress out. "Down time?" What's that? But, most importantly, was the text I received around 6:00 on Monday morning; Dion passed away! Shock and sadness came over me. The world lost a good man! Again, the significance of my procedure was put in perspective for me. There is always someone worse off than you; when you really stop to think about it, this is true...
My hypospadias has had a number of negative impacts on my life - my weight issues, trust issues, and insecurities to name a few. BUT, it also has given me something extremely positive - intestinal fortitude! Throughout my life, I have had to focus, dig deep, and find the determination necessary to overcome my "hypo hurdles." It was time to call upon my strength again. Earlier this week, the brutality of the procedure was sinking in - my penis was going to be cut open! It didn't take long, however, for me to find my resolve. I am determined and going to meet this head on! I know that this is what I need to do and nothing is going to get in my way...
I am ready! I can look past the surgical act, pain, and anxiety to see the end result! I can do this! This fistula has haunted me all my life! It may sound silly to some, but the thought of only having one hole brings me to tears. I am so close to attaining one of my dreams! A little pain and the temporary inconvenience will be worth the result! I am staying positive...
Thanks to everyone who has offered their encouragement and support to me as I've prepared for this procedure. It has meant more to me than I can say. Your thoughts and prayers have helped me to be strong.
I am signing off for now and will do my best to let you know how I'm doing within the next day or so...
Friday, September 10, 2010
Entry 10
9/9/10
I am numb from emotion and can't decipher exactly what I feel...
I went for my pre-admission testing today. Until now, I had been so busy with work, family responsibilities, and back to school preparation that I didn't have time to think about my upcoming procedure. It was kind of nice, actually. However, as I turned right off the highway and made my way toward downtown Albany, I caught a glimpse of the Corning Tower (the tallest building in the city). That's when it hit me - I am returning to the hospital where my childhood surgeries were performed!
I have been lucky enough to not recall anything from my earlier surgeries (except for the ether mask trauma). I practically lived at Albany Medical Center for 4 months when my kids were born - and I was fine! Today, however, I'm seeing Albany Med a little differently. I feel my body tense up and my stomach start to churn. I try to distract myself by leading my mind toward other topics - the pile of work waiting for me after my PATs...getting the kids ready for the 1st day of school tomorrow...reflecting upon a conversation with a counselor earlier in the week... Ha! Nice try! But, I know myself too well! My anxiety is continuing to grow...
I park the car and make my way to the footbridge that connects the parking garage to the hospital. When I reach the check-in area, I try to hide my anxiety behind a curtain of forced positivity with my conversations with the staff. "Fake it till you make it," right??? Once I'm all checked in and waiting, I try catching up on some emails with my Blackberry. That worked for a little while. Then, I looked up and saw a man standing in front of me; "I know that I know you but I can't figure out where I know you from," he says to me. I tell Paul my name and remind him that we used to work together about 20 years ago; he remembers. Then, he goes on to tell me that a co-worker of ours, Dion, had a stroke that morning and was currently in the OR. We discuss our shock and sadness that a man who practiced a very healthy lifestyle could be struck down by such a condition. I thanked Paul to sharing that news with me and sat, stunned, as I watched him walk back toward the OR waiting area.
I felt my stomach tighten again as my name was called. I can't help but notice that this round of PATs is so emotionally different from my PATs for the gastric bypass. I was so determined and confident going in to that surgery. This time, I'm determined but much less confident. The little kid in me is nervous and scared. I remind myself that I am a 41 year old man - I can handle this! But, as I sit on the tissue covered table, my mind starts to wander; I imagine what I will be going through next week - the IV needle (I don't do needles)...being wheeled to the OR...being put under...coming out of anesthesia...the pain...and, let's not forget the catheter! Snap out of it!! I find myself with about 15 minutes in between tests. I'm grateful for this time alone and I practice meditation/deep breathing techniques. Learning those skills has been invaluable! After my final test, I am told that I am free to go. Gladly...
As I drive north on the highway, my thoughts volley between my upcoming procedure and the stack of work that is waiting for me when I return to the office. I can't believe how much this appointment affected me. I've been to Albany Med so many times and never had an issue! Somewhere in my mind, I must realize that I am reopening an old wound - literally - and I am returning to the place where it all began for me! As I struggle for control of my thoughts, I receive a "sign." The car to my right has Delaware plates that read "GRATFL."
Grateful! What a wonderful message! It is so easy for us to focus on what is wrong in our lives or what we don't have. When we do this, though, we unintentionally disrespect all of the things that are right in our lives! Talk about putting things in perspective... Here I am worrying about a procedure that I am choosing to have and, very likely, could leave my body more functional than it is today. Meanwhile, Dion (who has lived a very healthy life) has just been struck down by a stroke!
Yes...I need to refocus and be grateful for what is right in my life!
I am numb from emotion and can't decipher exactly what I feel...
I went for my pre-admission testing today. Until now, I had been so busy with work, family responsibilities, and back to school preparation that I didn't have time to think about my upcoming procedure. It was kind of nice, actually. However, as I turned right off the highway and made my way toward downtown Albany, I caught a glimpse of the Corning Tower (the tallest building in the city). That's when it hit me - I am returning to the hospital where my childhood surgeries were performed!
I have been lucky enough to not recall anything from my earlier surgeries (except for the ether mask trauma). I practically lived at Albany Medical Center for 4 months when my kids were born - and I was fine! Today, however, I'm seeing Albany Med a little differently. I feel my body tense up and my stomach start to churn. I try to distract myself by leading my mind toward other topics - the pile of work waiting for me after my PATs...getting the kids ready for the 1st day of school tomorrow...reflecting upon a conversation with a counselor earlier in the week... Ha! Nice try! But, I know myself too well! My anxiety is continuing to grow...
I park the car and make my way to the footbridge that connects the parking garage to the hospital. When I reach the check-in area, I try to hide my anxiety behind a curtain of forced positivity with my conversations with the staff. "Fake it till you make it," right??? Once I'm all checked in and waiting, I try catching up on some emails with my Blackberry. That worked for a little while. Then, I looked up and saw a man standing in front of me; "I know that I know you but I can't figure out where I know you from," he says to me. I tell Paul my name and remind him that we used to work together about 20 years ago; he remembers. Then, he goes on to tell me that a co-worker of ours, Dion, had a stroke that morning and was currently in the OR. We discuss our shock and sadness that a man who practiced a very healthy lifestyle could be struck down by such a condition. I thanked Paul to sharing that news with me and sat, stunned, as I watched him walk back toward the OR waiting area.
I felt my stomach tighten again as my name was called. I can't help but notice that this round of PATs is so emotionally different from my PATs for the gastric bypass. I was so determined and confident going in to that surgery. This time, I'm determined but much less confident. The little kid in me is nervous and scared. I remind myself that I am a 41 year old man - I can handle this! But, as I sit on the tissue covered table, my mind starts to wander; I imagine what I will be going through next week - the IV needle (I don't do needles)...being wheeled to the OR...being put under...coming out of anesthesia...the pain...and, let's not forget the catheter! Snap out of it!! I find myself with about 15 minutes in between tests. I'm grateful for this time alone and I practice meditation/deep breathing techniques. Learning those skills has been invaluable! After my final test, I am told that I am free to go. Gladly...
As I drive north on the highway, my thoughts volley between my upcoming procedure and the stack of work that is waiting for me when I return to the office. I can't believe how much this appointment affected me. I've been to Albany Med so many times and never had an issue! Somewhere in my mind, I must realize that I am reopening an old wound - literally - and I am returning to the place where it all began for me! As I struggle for control of my thoughts, I receive a "sign." The car to my right has Delaware plates that read "GRATFL."
Grateful! What a wonderful message! It is so easy for us to focus on what is wrong in our lives or what we don't have. When we do this, though, we unintentionally disrespect all of the things that are right in our lives! Talk about putting things in perspective... Here I am worrying about a procedure that I am choosing to have and, very likely, could leave my body more functional than it is today. Meanwhile, Dion (who has lived a very healthy life) has just been struck down by a stroke!
Yes...I need to refocus and be grateful for what is right in my life!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Entry 9
9/4/10
PERFECTION...
Our society is so focused on perfection! In many ways, perfection applies to our physical appearance...and our proximity to physical perfection determines our "worthiness" of being loved/accepted by others. No doubt, it's a crazy concept but the message is relentless! It's everywhere - schools, magazines, TV, movies, computer...the list is endless! We are constantly bombarded by this message - often to the point of believing it subconsciously!
For us "hypospadians," growing up in a world that continuously equates physical perfection with love/acceptance can be heartbreaking! From the day we realized that we could never attain society's definition of physical perfection, we are forced to grapple with thoughts that no one would really be able to accept us...or love us... After all (let's face it), society teaches us that a man's physical self-concept should be built upon one thing - his penis!
*I just had to laugh to myself...I NEVER would have imagined talking so much about penises! LOL*
There are many things that we can control about our physical appearance - weight, muscles, hair, eye color, tattoos, etc. But, we cannot change what we are born with! It's very difficult to make peace with this reality. Even though we may have some people who accept us completely and provide us with support, we are continuously haunted by society's definition of physical perfection - and it's correlation to our "worthiness." Honestly, I have a decent support system but my demon constantly tries to get me to believe that I am less of a man.
What I've learned along the way, though, is that we tend to scrutinize ourselves harder than other people do. We need to put more stock in ourselves/our support systems and less in our belief of the media message. After all, there is no such thing as perfection - for anyone!
My procedure is now less than 2 weeks away. I've been way too busy to entertain anxiety yet. It will find me at some point, I'm sure. Admittedly, there is a part of me that would love nothing more than to wake up in the recovery room with society's version of the perfect penis! LOL However, I know that this is not going to happen. But...hey...a guy can dream, can't he??? In all seriousness, I am just hoping that I can finally get this fistula resolved! That would be a dream come true for me!
I am a big believer in the "things happen for a reason" philosophy. The reasons may not always be clear to me, but my experiences repeatedly confirm that I need to have faith in that belief. Faith has allowed me to let go of the things that are out of my control and focus on ways to make life better. I have found that, when I do this, I inevitably find a higher level of peace. It can be very easy to feel like a victim and get stuck in a very negative place (trust me...I've been there). But, over time, I have learned that if I focus my efforts on things that I can influence, life gets a little better!
As a "hypospadian," I have chosen to toss out the notion of perfection! It doesn't exist so there is no need to long after it! I am a person - not a penis. I am not perfect but I strive to be the best person I can be and live the best I can.
"Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you." - Frank Tyger
PERFECTION...
Our society is so focused on perfection! In many ways, perfection applies to our physical appearance...and our proximity to physical perfection determines our "worthiness" of being loved/accepted by others. No doubt, it's a crazy concept but the message is relentless! It's everywhere - schools, magazines, TV, movies, computer...the list is endless! We are constantly bombarded by this message - often to the point of believing it subconsciously!
For us "hypospadians," growing up in a world that continuously equates physical perfection with love/acceptance can be heartbreaking! From the day we realized that we could never attain society's definition of physical perfection, we are forced to grapple with thoughts that no one would really be able to accept us...or love us... After all (let's face it), society teaches us that a man's physical self-concept should be built upon one thing - his penis!
*I just had to laugh to myself...I NEVER would have imagined talking so much about penises! LOL*
There are many things that we can control about our physical appearance - weight, muscles, hair, eye color, tattoos, etc. But, we cannot change what we are born with! It's very difficult to make peace with this reality. Even though we may have some people who accept us completely and provide us with support, we are continuously haunted by society's definition of physical perfection - and it's correlation to our "worthiness." Honestly, I have a decent support system but my demon constantly tries to get me to believe that I am less of a man.
What I've learned along the way, though, is that we tend to scrutinize ourselves harder than other people do. We need to put more stock in ourselves/our support systems and less in our belief of the media message. After all, there is no such thing as perfection - for anyone!
My procedure is now less than 2 weeks away. I've been way too busy to entertain anxiety yet. It will find me at some point, I'm sure. Admittedly, there is a part of me that would love nothing more than to wake up in the recovery room with society's version of the perfect penis! LOL However, I know that this is not going to happen. But...hey...a guy can dream, can't he??? In all seriousness, I am just hoping that I can finally get this fistula resolved! That would be a dream come true for me!
I am a big believer in the "things happen for a reason" philosophy. The reasons may not always be clear to me, but my experiences repeatedly confirm that I need to have faith in that belief. Faith has allowed me to let go of the things that are out of my control and focus on ways to make life better. I have found that, when I do this, I inevitably find a higher level of peace. It can be very easy to feel like a victim and get stuck in a very negative place (trust me...I've been there). But, over time, I have learned that if I focus my efforts on things that I can influence, life gets a little better!
As a "hypospadian," I have chosen to toss out the notion of perfection! It doesn't exist so there is no need to long after it! I am a person - not a penis. I am not perfect but I strive to be the best person I can be and live the best I can.
"Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you." - Frank Tyger
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