Entry 4

8/17/10

"You're not like the other guys."

I've heard this painful compliment so many times in my life!  If they only knew just how right they were!

This phrase popped into my head yesterday during my commute into work.  And, it's been hovering around in there since so I'm taking it as a sign that I should write about it...

It's true...I'm not like other guys - in more ways than one!  Though, I've usually heard this said to me for my ability to empathize with others.  You see, developing the ability to hear more than is actually being said and observe the behaviors of others to decipher their true intent was all part of my secret agent survival training.  But, it's my ability to demonstrate empathy with others that has kept me from being detected and kept me alive in the trenches all these years!

I realized at a pretty young age that offering support to others would result in some form of acceptance for me - not that I ever really felt that I could take stock in that acceptance.  After all...who could accept the real me?  I'm a freak!  But, on some level, the "lie" was comforting.  And, hey, I was lucky to get what I could get.  So, I continued to develop this skill.  It's now one of my greatest tools of self preservation! The ability to demonstrate understanding for others, and provide them with comfort, is what keeps me off people's radar.  No one would think to look any deeper into someone who is providing them with such a great service!

Looking back on conversations with others, they are typically one-sided (by my design).  I couldn't trust my demon to anyone else - it was too powerful!  It was my duty to protect others from it!  I am convinced that people must have thought that I was so strong because I hardly ever shared any of my struggles with them.  That's me...a "rock!"  Oh, if they only knew the truth!  I am no where near as strong as people think I am.  Acting is also part of the secret agent survival training - didn't I tell you??

Regardless..."the Golden Rule" has been a great way to live!  I do not resent my training and actually love to provide support for others!  My hypospadias has motivated me all my life to treat others as I would want to be treated - if I let them!  I am convinced that we all have deep seeded struggles and world is difficult enough.  We need to support each other as much as possible!  We are all in this together!

"You're not like the other guys."

While this is a painful reminder of a physical truth that I struggle with daily, I wouldn't trade my ability to empathize for anything!  So...OUCH!  And...THANK YOU!