Entry 7

8/26/10

I've missed my blog!!!  The past 5 days have been SO busy, I haven't had a chance to set aside enough uninterrupted time to dedicate to it.  So, I'll apologize in advance as this may get long; there are several things that I'd like to share from the past several days...

Thing 1:

Last Sunday was a cold, overcast, dark, rainy day in the Northeast.  It was a day that was perfect for blowing off all responsibility, staying in pajamas, and curling up on the couch to watch movies or get lost in a good book!  I LOVE days like this when I can actually appreciate it in the way it was intended.  But, my conscience got the best of me - we really ought to go to church...we really need to go school shopping (ugh)...

As we pulled into the church parking lot, I noticed the sign by the road that read "Hidden Halves."  As someone very conscious of the duality that I've developed because of my demon, I silently chuckled to myself and thought, "This should be interesting."  Little did I know but God had brought me to church that day so he could give me a good "talking to."  I am convinced that my pastor was the mouthpiece for a divine message that applied to the everyone in the congregation - but had a higher level of significance for me!  In fact, at times, I felt as if the congregation disappeared and I was receiving a message that was specifically intended for me. 

The message???  That we all have two halves - the one that we show the world and the one that we keep hidden.  The half that we show the world exemplifies confidence, happiness, love, and morality.  The other half we keep hidden because the secrets that we keep are so painful and horrible that no one would ever be able to understand our struggle or accept us.  Pretty "spot on" for a hypospadian - well, this one anyway!  He went on to describe a typical conversation where you ask someone how they are doing and they respond, "Never better!" even though they are at the end of their rope.  Engaging in daily battle with my demon, I've been the "never better" guy more times than I care to count!  The pastor went on to offer a new perspective: God wants our whole selves - not just the "good" half.  He suggested that, by revealing our hidden half, we develop a greater connection with our higher power, attain a greater level of peace, and perform greater acts of healing for our fellow man. 

From my experience working with HEA - this is DEFINITELY true!!!  Over the past few years, I have challenged myself to share more of my "hidden half" with others.  I started with my "hypospadias brothers;" each time I shared more of my true self with another, I felt a little more whole, peaceful, and secure.  The cumulative effect of these conversations is significant.  Although the battle with my demon is a daily occurrence, I continue to get stronger all the time.  They say that war is won through a series of small battles - I'm gaining ground every day!  I can honestly say that I am much less of an emotional cripple now than I was three years ago.  It's been a positive cycle for me; the more I open up and share -the stronger I feel to open up and share more!  I've even been able to see how my sharing more with others has had a positive impact on them.  Knowing that my pain can somehow make life easier for others makes it more tolerable and worthwhile...

It was clear to me that I needed to share my story with my pastor.  I can feel the momentum of my "mission" growing exponentially!  There are forces at work here that are greater than myself.  After service, I thanked him for his sermon and informed him that I felt he was used as a vehicle to provide me a special message.  He was intrigued by my comment but it wasn't the time or place to really get into it with him; so, I told him I'd send him an email with my blog.

As luck would have it, I was at church for an Administrative Council meeting on Tuesday.  Following the meeting, he approached me and we talked.  I shared my story with him.  He "got it."  I was embraced with understanding, compassion, acceptance, and admiration.  He called me a "wounded healer" and was impressed at how I could take my pain and use it as a tool to help others.

"Wounded healer."  It feels fairly appropriate.  If sharing my pain can help make life easier for others, then it makes it all worthwhile...

Thing 2:

While back to school shopping on Sunday, the inevitable occurred - half way through the store, the kids had to go to the bathroom!  Public restrooms - just what every hypospadian enjoys (yes...that was dripping with sarcasm)!  As my son and I walk past the line of urinals and toward the large stall, he comments he doesn't like using "those toilets" (meaning the urinals).  He goes on to say that the reason for this is that he doesn't really know how to use them properly - he usually has to drop everything to his ankles in order to use it.  A shot to the heart...

As a hypospadian father with a son, I've always worried about teaching him the "manly way to urinate."  How could I teach him what is normal if I'm not normal?  Other men likely teach by demonstrating.  That isn't an option for me.  Other men may be more open with their bodies with their sons...not me.  What kind of impact would this have on him???  I've often wondered if my demon would eventually find a way to make me feel like a failure to my son in this regard...well, he finally found a way. 

I couldn't address my son's concern at the time; we still haven't resolved it yet.  Guess I'm still a little stunned.  My demon can assault me all he wants but I can't allow him to attack my son!

Ugh!  I need to figure out how to respond to this...

Thing 3:

I've been in touch with my doctor this week.  My pre-admission testing is scheduled for 9/9 and surgery is 9/16.  It's likely going to be outpatient surgery and I just learned that recovery will be about 7-10 days.  

I haven't started getting overly anxious yet - though it's always in the back of my mind and focusing on things that need my attention is more of a challenge.  I think the month of August will help me keep the anxiety at a distance.  Once September comes, this will likely change!


Whew!  Ok...I think I'm caught up now.