Entry 8

8/28/10

Woke up to a beautiful morning here in the Northeast!  The sun is shining...birds are singing...kids are playing...coffee is brewing...

My thoughts are of my Mom.  Tomorrow would have been her 63rd birthday.  I really can't believe that it's been almost 4 years since her passing.  She was so young and taken from us too soon! 

It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't lost a parent the type of void that is left behind.  Growing up, parents are one of the "constants" in our lives - like the sun, moon, stars, etc.  We develop a sense of security knowing that these things will always be there.  After all, we've never experienced our lives without them - it's inconceivable!  Until it happens to you...

The loss of a parent strikes at a the very core of a person.  We are forced to accept another level of reality that we never could have prepared for.  The innate security that we've come to rely on is threatened and our perspectives on life are irrevocably altered.  I recall someone telling me that the 1st year after the loss of a parent is the hardest.  I also recall thinking that they were full of crap!  After all, how would I ever find my way out of this darkness that now consumed me?  But, it happens.  The feelings of longing and loss never go away.  But, after you've experienced all of your "firsts" without your parent, it somehow gets a little easier.  Though, that first year SUCKS!!!

I always felt that there was a special place in my Mom's heart for me!  We definitely had a unique connection.  I can still feel her love and pride to this day.  If only she could see me now and share in all of the progress that I've made over the past several years!  There's not a doubt in my mind that she is one of the forces behind my healing!  My angel in heaven...

We never had a chance to really talk about how my hypospadias affected her.  On the rare occasion that we did talk about it, I was usually consumed with the historical facts and events of that time.  I've often wondered if she felt guilty for me being born with hypospadias - like she was somehow responsible for it?  I'm sure she did...and it breaks my heart!  I wish we would have had that conversation!  The thought of her silently carrying around that guilt kills me!  What I wouldn't give to be able to tell her that I don't blame her and it wasn't her fault...

So, for anyone doing battle with a demon, my message is - communicate!  Parents, talk with your kids!  Kids, talk to your parents!  The parent-child relationship is never smooth and it constantly challenges us!  But, sadly, this is not a constant (in the physical sense).  Don't take each other for granted.  And, don't wait till "tomorrow" because life can change quickly and "tomorrow" may never come. 

So, talk to each other...love one another...and make the most of today!