Entry 10

9/9/10

I am numb from emotion and can't decipher exactly what I feel...

I went for my pre-admission testing today.  Until now, I had been so busy with work, family responsibilities, and back to school preparation that I didn't have time to think about my upcoming procedure.  It was kind of nice, actually.  However, as I turned right off the highway and made my way toward downtown Albany, I caught a glimpse of the Corning Tower (the tallest building in the city).  That's when it hit me - I am returning to the hospital where my childhood surgeries were performed!

I have been lucky enough to not recall anything from my earlier surgeries (except for the ether mask trauma).  I practically lived at Albany Medical Center for 4 months when my kids were born - and I was fine!  Today, however, I'm seeing Albany Med a little differently.  I feel my body tense up and my stomach start to churn.  I try to distract myself by leading my mind toward other topics - the pile of work waiting for me after my PATs...getting the kids ready for the 1st day of school tomorrow...reflecting upon a conversation with a counselor earlier in the week...  Ha!  Nice try!  But, I know myself too well!  My anxiety is continuing to grow...

I park the car and make my way to the footbridge that connects the parking garage to the hospital.  When I reach the check-in area, I try to hide my anxiety behind a curtain of forced positivity with my conversations with the staff.  "Fake it till you make it," right???  Once I'm all checked in and waiting, I try catching up on some emails with my Blackberry.  That worked for a little while.  Then, I looked up and saw a man standing in front of me; "I know that I know you but I can't figure out where I know you from," he says to me.  I tell Paul my name and remind him that we used to work together about 20 years ago; he remembers.  Then, he goes on to tell me that a co-worker of ours, Dion, had a stroke that morning and was currently in the OR.  We discuss our shock and sadness that a man who practiced a very healthy lifestyle could be struck down by such a condition.  I thanked Paul to sharing that news with me and sat, stunned, as I watched him walk back toward the OR waiting area.

I felt my stomach tighten again as my name was called.  I can't help but notice that this round of PATs is so emotionally different from my PATs for the gastric bypass.  I was so determined and confident going in to that surgery.  This time, I'm determined but much less confident.  The little kid in me is nervous and scared.  I remind myself that I am a 41 year old man - I can handle this!  But, as I sit on the tissue covered table, my mind starts to wander; I imagine what I will be going through next week - the IV needle (I don't do needles)...being wheeled to the OR...being put under...coming out of anesthesia...the pain...and, let's not forget the catheter!  Snap out of it!!  I find myself with about 15 minutes in between tests.  I'm grateful for this time alone and I practice meditation/deep breathing techniques.  Learning those skills has been invaluable!  After my final test, I am told that I am free to go.  Gladly...

As I drive north on the highway, my thoughts volley between my upcoming procedure and the stack of work that is waiting for me when I return to the office.  I can't believe how much this appointment affected me.  I've been to Albany Med so many times and never had an issue!  Somewhere in my mind, I must realize that I am reopening an old wound - literally - and I am returning to the place where it all began for me!  As I struggle for control of my thoughts, I receive a "sign."  The car to my right has Delaware plates that read "GRATFL."

Grateful!  What a wonderful message!  It is so easy for us to focus on what is wrong in our lives or what we don't have.  When we do this, though, we unintentionally disrespect all of the things that are right in our lives!  Talk about putting things in perspective...  Here I am worrying about a procedure that I am choosing to have and, very likely, could leave my body more functional than it is today.  Meanwhile, Dion (who has lived a very healthy life) has just been struck down by a stroke! 

Yes...I need to refocus and be grateful for what is right in my life!