9/4/10
PERFECTION...
Our society is so focused on perfection! In many ways, perfection applies to our physical appearance...and our proximity to physical perfection determines our "worthiness" of being loved/accepted by others. No doubt, it's a crazy concept but the message is relentless! It's everywhere - schools, magazines, TV, movies, computer...the list is endless! We are constantly bombarded by this message - often to the point of believing it subconsciously!
For us "hypospadians," growing up in a world that continuously equates physical perfection with love/acceptance can be heartbreaking! From the day we realized that we could never attain society's definition of physical perfection, we are forced to grapple with thoughts that no one would really be able to accept us...or love us... After all (let's face it), society teaches us that a man's physical self-concept should be built upon one thing - his penis!
*I just had to laugh to myself...I NEVER would have imagined talking so much about penises! LOL*
There are many things that we can control about our physical appearance - weight, muscles, hair, eye color, tattoos, etc. But, we cannot change what we are born with! It's very difficult to make peace with this reality. Even though we may have some people who accept us completely and provide us with support, we are continuously haunted by society's definition of physical perfection - and it's correlation to our "worthiness." Honestly, I have a decent support system but my demon constantly tries to get me to believe that I am less of a man.
What I've learned along the way, though, is that we tend to scrutinize ourselves harder than other people do. We need to put more stock in ourselves/our support systems and less in our belief of the media message. After all, there is no such thing as perfection - for anyone!
My procedure is now less than 2 weeks away. I've been way too busy to entertain anxiety yet. It will find me at some point, I'm sure. Admittedly, there is a part of me that would love nothing more than to wake up in the recovery room with society's version of the perfect penis! LOL However, I know that this is not going to happen. But...hey...a guy can dream, can't he??? In all seriousness, I am just hoping that I can finally get this fistula resolved! That would be a dream come true for me!
I am a big believer in the "things happen for a reason" philosophy. The reasons may not always be clear to me, but my experiences repeatedly confirm that I need to have faith in that belief. Faith has allowed me to let go of the things that are out of my control and focus on ways to make life better. I have found that, when I do this, I inevitably find a higher level of peace. It can be very easy to feel like a victim and get stuck in a very negative place (trust me...I've been there). But, over time, I have learned that if I focus my efforts on things that I can influence, life gets a little better!
As a "hypospadian," I have chosen to toss out the notion of perfection! It doesn't exist so there is no need to long after it! I am a person - not a penis. I am not perfect but I strive to be the best person I can be and live the best I can.
"Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you." - Frank Tyger
Wow Ed! Do you by chance moonlight as a counselor? He told me the same exact thing that you have above, we are more than our penis.
ReplyDeleteYou would think that it would be easy to get over such a small organ defining our manhood, but it isn't.
I can tell you from 43 yrs. of painful experience that it is one tough hurdle to get over.
Great piece Ed.