Entry 14

10/3/10

Happiness is a deceptive and elusive beast!

I've been an emotional mess and in a state of crisis since last week.  My demon struck hard, swift, and deep!

Maybe I should have seen this coming?  I don't know...  Since I started striking back at my demon about 4 years ago, I've been on a path of recovery, healing, and self-acceptance.  I am very well aware of the fact that this is a journey and not a destination. 

I'm realizing now that I've been taking A LOT of actions over the past 6 months or so that have blown the door wide open and exposing my true self - my weight loss, planning the HEA conference, researching hypospadias and working on my book, my recent hopes of having my hypospadias repair, etc.  Until now, I hadn't realized the emotional impact that these were taking.  My demon is very sly and had been actively keeping them from my consciousness!  Intense feelings have been building over this period of time and now I'm hemorrhaging with emotions!  I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained!  Not to mention -extremely vulnerable now!  I'm scared!  As a hypospadian, I've always been very much in control of myself and my emotions.  I feel I've lost that control...

I started therapy on Friday.  I did some research and found someone who specializes in male sexual trauma and issues.  I know that my current state is the result of my own life experiences, actions, and choices; no one else is responsible for it.  But, I am starting to realize that I have always felt so bad about myself that I NEVER felt that I truly deserved to be happy.  The closest I could ever get was to focus on making other people happy; this, in turn, would give me some happiness.  Living vicariously through others.  What a harsh and powerful realization!  That I never felt that I was WORTH happiness!  Wow...

But, that is changing now.  My "work" has allowed me to be a little more accepting...forgiving...and loving of myself.  Maybe I AM worth something?  Maybe I DO deserve to be happy?  But, what does this mean?  That's the current question...

What I can say is this - I just made a new commitment to myself!  Whereever this crisis takes me, I am going to be honest and true to myself!  It's a new (and uncomfortable) belief for me, but I DO deserve to be happy!