Entry 15

10/12/10

The HEA conference has come to a close and I'm an emotional mess!  I feel like I've been sucker punched because I never saw this coming...

I'm lost.  I've put SO much of myself into preparing for the conference and trying to make it as beneficial as possible for those who attend.  Now that it's over, I feel a void.  Now what?  This conference has been a labor of love for me and, honestly, I feel a little lost without my tasks.  :) 

I'm sad.  It's kind of like the let down after Christmas, only stronger.  Like having the most joyful holiday with all your favorite family members and giving/receiving the most powerful/healing type of love.  Something that brought me so much happiness has come to an end.

I'm scared.  Powerful events like this always have a potential to result in some form of change.  I don't yet know what this will mean for me.  Personally, I'm in a very vulnerable state; I know this.  Not yet realizing the full impact of this event is scary for me.  I like to be in control of my life and my emotions; right now, there are some areas that I've lost that control and I'm anxious about where I'll go from here.

I'm grateful.  The team of people working with me to put this conference on for the HEA members was absolutely AMAZING!  Together, we were able to provide an extremely valuable experience for our members, professionals, and ourselves.  This could not have been possible without the contributions from my team and the most wonderful professionals I know!  I am forever grateful to you all - or, should I say "y'all!"

I'm thankful.  Having hypospadias is not something I would have chosen for myself.  However, making the choice to move forward and out of some pretty negative places has been SO much easier with the support of my HEA family!  My "brothers" are very caring, understanding, empathetic, compassionate, supportive...  I am thankful for them!  I'm especially thankful for having such a great roommate over the course of the conference.  Having administrative tasks throughout the day meant that I couldn't focus 100% on the material.  The time spent talking 1:1 with my roommate was extremely healing!  Thanks Greg!

I'm proud.  This conference turned out extremely well.  I've heard from several people that it was the best HEA conference ever!  I'm proud that I was able to successfully lead my team in executing the organization's vision.  Not to mention the flexibility I needed to demonstrate as things came up along the way...

I'm overwhelmed.  The healing impact that I could see from others as they experienced the conference was extremely powerful!  People finally getting the answers, acceptance, and support that they've been searching for - it's truly a blessed experience!  To hear someone disclose that the conference was the final step before suicide and now feeling that life is worth living - I can't put that feeling into words!  And that's just one of the experiences from this event!

I'm motivated.  Seeing the positive impact that HEA and myself can have on other people - witnessing it first hand - is very moving!  I'm going to do what I can to bring this group to the next level.  I'm a man with a plan; I just need to frame it out and execute it.

I'm hopeful.  After this conference, I feel more accepted, supported, and loved.  I even think I feel more self-acceptance, self-appreciation, and self-worth!  My hope is that I continue to build upon that and keep continuing my journey.

I'm annoyed.  Because, right now, I need to sign off, pack up, and head out.  LOL 

So long, San Antonio!  Thanks for being such a great host for such a powerful event!  And many thanks to those who attended - YOU made this conference what it was!  I appreciate that!

Ed 

Entry 14

10/3/10

Happiness is a deceptive and elusive beast!

I've been an emotional mess and in a state of crisis since last week.  My demon struck hard, swift, and deep!

Maybe I should have seen this coming?  I don't know...  Since I started striking back at my demon about 4 years ago, I've been on a path of recovery, healing, and self-acceptance.  I am very well aware of the fact that this is a journey and not a destination. 

I'm realizing now that I've been taking A LOT of actions over the past 6 months or so that have blown the door wide open and exposing my true self - my weight loss, planning the HEA conference, researching hypospadias and working on my book, my recent hopes of having my hypospadias repair, etc.  Until now, I hadn't realized the emotional impact that these were taking.  My demon is very sly and had been actively keeping them from my consciousness!  Intense feelings have been building over this period of time and now I'm hemorrhaging with emotions!  I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained!  Not to mention -extremely vulnerable now!  I'm scared!  As a hypospadian, I've always been very much in control of myself and my emotions.  I feel I've lost that control...

I started therapy on Friday.  I did some research and found someone who specializes in male sexual trauma and issues.  I know that my current state is the result of my own life experiences, actions, and choices; no one else is responsible for it.  But, I am starting to realize that I have always felt so bad about myself that I NEVER felt that I truly deserved to be happy.  The closest I could ever get was to focus on making other people happy; this, in turn, would give me some happiness.  Living vicariously through others.  What a harsh and powerful realization!  That I never felt that I was WORTH happiness!  Wow...

But, that is changing now.  My "work" has allowed me to be a little more accepting...forgiving...and loving of myself.  Maybe I AM worth something?  Maybe I DO deserve to be happy?  But, what does this mean?  That's the current question...

What I can say is this - I just made a new commitment to myself!  Whereever this crisis takes me, I am going to be honest and true to myself!  It's a new (and uncomfortable) belief for me, but I DO deserve to be happy!