Entry 3

8/14/10

Ironically enough, I spent the entire day yesterday with some of my fraternity brothers.  Yes...me...a "frat boy!"  Who would have thought?  A boy who grew up strategically distancing himself from his male peers throughout his developmental years chose to immerse himself in the world of "normal" men at the age of 19!  What was I thinking?

Maybe it was the "secret agent" in me?  The challenge of successfully integrating with these foreigners - observing them...studying their culture...interacting with them - all without being detected!  Kind of like espionage.  LOL  Prior to this time, I was able to safely keep my distance from this alien species while still under the protection of the family keep.  I didn't realize it at the time but, along with my high school diploma, I was also issued a "passport" that would force me to explore the world of men!

And, a challenge it was!  Being under the pledging microscope...living in their world 24/7 for 4 years...gaining acceptance within the male community... and developing some relationships that have lasted a lifetime - all while successfully keeping them from knowing the real me!  It was not easy maintaining my "cover" while living in a mans world.  At best, I could get to the point of feeling like I was 85% their equal; historically, I've always felt like I was less of a man.  I could eat, drink, joke, slack, and lead with the best of them!  However, there were 2 main areas where I always fell short - I continued to avoid the gym/sports and I was a sexual cripple.

Most of my fraternity brothers hit the gym on a regular basis or participated in some sport or other.  Some even tried to get me to go with them (God bless them)!  They simply had no idea how strong my demon was and just how powerless I was against it!  During a time when most men are caring for and toning their bodies, I continued to abuse mine.  After all...why bother, right?  I'm already damaged goods.  Nope, I only went to the athletic hall when I absolutely had to!  And, I made damn sure that I selected PE classes that were not overly strenuous and would not require changing or showering!

The "down town" scene was probably the most painful of all.  At a time when everyone is developing their best pick-up lines, honing their hook-up moves, and engaging in all kinds of casual sex, my demon taunted me.  I was forced to watch but never participate.  You see...for me, sex was a lose-lose.  If I were to take that risk, approach someone, and get turned down, it would only reinforce the obvious - I am not worthy of being loved.  However, if I were to take that risk, approach someone, and succeed...well, then I would be forced to expose my deepest secret first and then get rejected.  I felt bad enough about myself and my body; I didnt need the assistance of others to help me feel worse!  So while everyone else on campus was engaged in the right of passage known as hooking up, my demon continually reinforced my belief that I was less of a man and not worthy of this pleasure.  So...I continued to drink excessively and over-eat.  I may as well have a good reason for not being a hook-up king, right???

Wow...that took an unexpected negative turn!  Sorry!  This started off being a positive entry; lets get back to it...

Speaking of my college years - better sit down for this one - my major was psychology!  Go figure, right?  LOL  I was not brought up with the expectation that I had to go to college.  My older sister was the first in our family to go to college.  If anyone set the expectation of higher education for me it would be her; and for that, Im eternally grateful!  I was always a pretty keen observer of other people and their behaviors but studying psychology allowed me to understand the "whys" and the "hows" of it; connecting the dots if you will.  And, it allowed me to apply that understanding to myself.  I now had another layer of self-awareness and self-perception.  For the first time, I was able to contemplate the question, "Maybe I am worthy of being loved?"  Not that I actually believed it at that time, but allowing myself to consider it was a big step!  So, after graduation, I focused on social work for children; I wanted to be the resource for them that I wished I had.

I guess the time spent with my fraternity brothers yesterday allowed me to reflect upon my college years - both good and not so good experiences.  I am grateful that I had the fraternity experience with this group of guys; their acceptance had allowed me to fortify the foundation of my self-confidence before heading out into the world. I have learned so much from them!  I am also grateful that I had the opportunity to go to college and study psychology.  From that point forward, I have able to start viewing myself in a more loving and empathetic manner.  It's a daily struggle for me but, at least, I feel that I have the weapons necessary to fight the good fight!

So...tonight...I am feeling grateful.  :)